On New Year Resolutions

Resolution or re-solution... finding solution again... I'm all for solutions so I must be in favor of New Year Solutions even if they are RE-solutions.

Given that life is a possible that is constantly revealing itself to us and that we are constantly evolving it only stands to reason that we would have to remake solutions to match our new circumstances. For my new year resolutions I made three that I will share - first, my husband and I want to have more parties. We want to be more social and to start we are having a Super Bowl Party at our house - so let me know if you are coming!

After reading this article about the importance of going to sleep earlier - I resolve to try to make this a priority.

Finally, my last new year resolution - to meditate at least three times a week. I have never felt better than I do on the days I meditate for more than 15 minutes so now I want to make a resolve to do this every week.

What are your resolutions?

Don't Awful-ize Find your Bliss Instead

Today, instead of worrying about planning all the details of my day I am going to try and follow the "universe unfolds" mentality.  Allowing my best instincts to guide me as a powerful life lesson. I believe that if I stand firmly in my positive life perspective I will generate more positive things. It doesn't really matter if I focus on the one thing I want or simply focus on being joyful. I believe that my bliss is the driver and that I have to constantly reach for it.

Once from a very dark place I began to wonder about what the heck is bliss, anyway? What is my bliss? I felt a little like the character in Shel Silverstein's book "The Missing Piece". I was riding through life looking for my missing piece and missing all the other pieces of my life. I thought about this for a long time... what is my bliss?

One day while driving home from work I heard Mozart's "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" (allegro). I turned the music up very loud in my car and announced: "I found my bliss!"

 

There are certain things that when you hear them or do them that you are just thrilled. For me, on that day, I latched on to the excitement of this music and was able to pull myself up. It is this place, the place where you are inexplicably happy, even in a silly way - this is the place that you start from when you focus on keeping that feeling for as very long as possible. This is the space I want to lead my life from - the point of attraction I want to keep - positive, excited, focused. 

When I make the mistake of looking at the "what is-ness" of life I try to remember to flip on Mozart (or some other music that excites the bliss in me) and place myself in a better space. Things are sometimes awful - but I really believe we don't have to stay stuck in the awfulness. We can pull ourselves out one less awful thing at a time.

Reflect, Rethink, Reveal

I realize now that I am 45 blogs into this process that I need to reflect, rethink, reveal. One of the reasons I started this process was so that I could change or morph my way into cool ideas - you can't procrastinate that - it is a contradiction! So, I am back to trying this daily.

The central theme of this blog was to do something differently and something new each day. Well after a while too many something news means that you can't keep the best that you have found because you are running out of new things to do not to mention the time crunch. Doing something new every day for 100 days comes down to silly things like "Today I brushed my teeth with my left hand instead of my right... nothing to report there ... I just did it." I think what I really wanted to say was that I would try new things that presented themselves to me without giving into the fear.

On doing things differently... I think this is great. I tried many things, including little things like: getting up on the other side of the bed (after my husband got up - also different), putting on one sock then one shoe (not recommended - feels weird), working with my office door closed/open (I recommend closed - less interruptions), responding to people's suggestions by trying everything - even stuff I sensed wouldn't be so great (I learned to trust my instincts)! Overall, differently is good until you find something that works - then I recommend staying with it.

So about rethinking... I have rethought portions of this project and I am adding something new and taking something away to help me on my journey. I am adding daily reflections. Not silly nonsense things, I mean the real life stuff that targets me in a day. I welcome you to do the same in the comments. Let's each take a minute to talk about one thing we experienced in the day that was of particular interest to us. I am taking away the "must" of the different and new and replacing it with either. A simpler task, I think, and I think I was doing that anyway.

My revelations have been plenty in this process. I am inspired by many of you that tell me you have read the blog and are sharing it with your friends - awesome!

 

I never expected that I would have any divine inspiration, but, then it occurred to me that we are all inspired divinely everyday and why wouldn't I have any divine inspiration? I know that I want to live my life deliberately and that takes practice. I can't just let the chips fall where they may, I want to decide about which chips fall and where they can fall. A deliberate life means that I am aware of my thoughts and try to change them when they do not serve me. This is an everyday lesson for me. Each and every day I try to choose my thoughts and when they don't suit me I work on changing them and moving them into a better direction. Some days I am better at this than others, but I do it every day and every time.

I don't know if you are lucky enough to have someone to call when you find your thoughts running a muck, but I do! When I make that call I always start with - I need you to help me realign my thoughts. Then I vent - then we rethink my thinking. Try it - I think you will find it works wonders. Then remember the 17 second rule. Hold a better thought for 17 seconds and more will follow.

Best Little Christmas Story

Hey, it's been a while. My dad had bypass surgery and, well, you don't think that stuff will change your everyday life, but, it does. Thankfully he is doing well and expected to make a full recovery.

I want to share with you my miracle day. An experience I had simply because I decided to do things differently...

My son is fifteen. That is an age when most young people start breaking away and, well, let's face it, they become independent. So, when he said he wanted to go with me to see the Christmas Spectacular at Radio City - I leaped at the chance. I was successful at getting reduced price tickets and luckily the show date was after my father's hospital stay. All good things were in place.

Our tickets were for the 5:00 show. Based on where I live, traffic and parking I knew that since we had to get our tickets by 4:30 we needed to leave by 3:30.

As luck would have it that day I got a stomach virus. I refused to let this get in my way. However, I was not free to leave until about 4:05 - not nearly enough time to make the show. I was so frustrated and began to talk about what a drag it would be if we couldn't make the show and how awful I felt about it. My daughter overhear me whining and complaining and reminded me, "Mom, no matter what you are still going into the city (a place you love) with your son and so what if you don't see the play?" Initially I said, "But I paid for the tickets." That's when it hit me! So what. I paid for the tickets, either way that money is gone so, if I get to see the show... great... if not, we will still have fun in the city.

We drove in with plenty of traffic and delays, but, I was surprised when I looked down and saw it was 4:59 PM when we pulled into the parking lot. We hurried through the crowded holiday streets and got to the theater in about ten minutes. I went right up to security (because there was a line around Radio City Music Hall) and I said, "I have tickets at the will call window for 5 PM." His answer surprised me, "That line is over here," he pointed to a short line on the side of the building. We were seated within ten minutes of arriving, our seats were awesome and the show was GREAT!!

When it was over we walked over to see the tree lit up, saw a few sites and then headed back to the garage. Once we were in the car I realized that I didn't have my cell phone. When I called it, a security guard from Radio City answered and said he had my phone. We rushed back, got a parking spot on the street close to Radio City and ran back.When we arrived the guard gave me the phone and wouldn't take a tip.

You would think this is enough evidence that the Universe provided us with the perfect night but to top it all we drove home in practically NO TRAFFIC.  All in all a pretty terrific day

On Becoming

Not knowing... I think that is the hardest part. I enjoy figuring things out - knowing how they fit together, how they work. Not knowing can be tough. Faith is what helps when you don't know, I think. Take for example the day you arrive home in a black out. You know where everything is in your home, right? So, you walk confidently into your home - stepping in faith because no one changed the arrangement of your furniture. Then, you trip over the shoes you decided not to wear to work that morning - you forgot - but you continue in faith, KNOWING that you can walk through the maze of your home safely in the dark. Now let's take that to the next place, the "not knowing" place. If you are faith-filled, confident, stepping out in the "not knowing" place is easy to navigate because even if you trip on a shoe, your faith tells you to continue stepping. We each have the blessing of knowing how to step in faith, but how do we get there when we are overwhelmed and lacking confidence?

How do I get to the faith-filled place? How do I step out of the not knowing and into the knowing of uncharted waters? I learned through the grace of my life that uncharted means only that I will have new experiences, new challenges... new ways for me to grow and expand. Well, heck, what is the purpose of life if not to grow and expand?

Tonight I face a "not knowing" place in my life. In some strange way I am comforted by the familiarity of greeting new challenges and inspired by my cohorts on this journey. I struggle with what I know to be true about life and what I am feeling. For example, I know there is NOTHING to fear - yet, I feel afraid. I want to cry and tremble, but I KNOW there is nothing to fear. How can I still the quivering soul inside me when the challenges before me seem to loom so large? How can I allow the "what is about to be" when the "what is" of my life is a giant shadow?  That is the challenge of this day.

My attention is re-focused on what is becoming and away from what is - every chance I get. The fear is my mind trying to know what it cannot know. I must keep my mind focused on where my feet land. Sometimes I say to myself, "Lisa, you can't be in two places in one mind! Make up your mind!!"

So it is faith that will sustain me and keep me focused... it is love that will keep me strong... it is the people around me that uplift me when I sink... it is the love of my world that keeps me at peace.

Like a link in the chain from the past to the future

Today I spoke with my friend in Israel through a video conference system at work. I met her parents who are French and other relatives. All of her family live in Jerusalem and came to her home to visit for Chanukah. As a bonus they got to watch her teach her American students from her home in Israel. This is one of my favorite accomplishments, having created this fantastic connection for our students. In order that they may learn a language as difficult as Hebrew with a native speaker who is living in Israel -in real time - this is a very unique and wonderful experience... especially for children who are 10 and 11 years old!

As I reflect on this part of my day (something different - chatting with my Israeli friends) I am happy... I love my job and the flexibility it affords me to meet people from all walks of life, communicate online regularly, be a part of the growing, changing and flattening world. Thomas Friedman described this phenomenon in his book, "The World is Flat" and I witness it more and more. Just the other day, my cousin in Florida put out an all call for people to connect with her through Skype. Our lexicon has changed in such a way that Skype is not just the name of a service but the thing we do, "Let's Skype!". Back in the day there was much ado about calling a photocopy a copy not a "Xerox" although, many people would say, "make a xerox of that". Now you Google something, then you will send a BBM, and Skype with your friends about it while Facebooking with them. Ugh! It is becoming an interesting world and the technological impact on our lexicon will continue to pose a challenge at the Vatican while they struggle to translate all of this into Latin, (really).

The best part of all of this is that it creates awe when you think about it. The changes around us are fascinating, but sometimes I wish I could freeze time. Some days shouldn't go by so quickly, some you want to make last and last. Especially when you know what the next day will bring. Like the last day you will ever spend with someone - if you knew in advance what would you change?

I know I usually write about things like keeping my head where my feet are, and increasing my appreciation of the moment... but, today, I am feeling a little in awe of life in general. I want to just hold on to each little thing a second longer and slow it all down.

There are moments you remember all your life - there are moments you wait for and dream of all your life - I always want to capture these moments. Maybe it's just me, maybe life is going a little bit more quickly, either way I am full of wonderment about life today. Impressed with our changing lexicon, new technologies, warm moments with loved ones and all of it. (something new - again)

17 Seconds to Paradise

I used to say that anyone deserves at least 20 minutes for a pity party... it takes 5 minutes to really work it up, 10 minutes to belt it out and 5 minutes to close. A good pity party should have carefully chosen invitations - choose people that have seen you at your best so they can stand the party. Some people don't know the rules of the pity party and they don't send invitations.

Then...

It is no longer just 20 minutes... when you have no invitees you can have pity parties that last for days. Silently berating yourself, noticing all the trivial meaningless things that you give weighty value to so they can seem important and burdensome to you. The world is a venue for disgust and repulsion and everything can make you unhappy. This is very debilitating. Trust me NEVER throw a pity party without a friend.

Friends will keep you on track, remind you when the 20 minutes are over and never, ever let you get an extension. There is no thought that you can't bring about and if you spend time focusing on those things that make you unhappy - you will bring them about. If I said to you that you can make anything happen if you thought about it clearly enough - would you do it?

Keep a good thought... something that makes you smile that crooked smile... hold it for 17 seconds and I promise more will come flooding in. This is the ice cream cake of the pity party. One good thought that you keep for 17 seconds.

Try it!

Want a New Reality? Choose it!

Some days are made for reflection... some days are so hectic the only reflection going on is yours in the mirror as you rush off to the next event... some days are somewhere in between hectic enough to make you tired but their very nature is such that you can't help be reflect. Today was one of those days.

As I reflect on the day I think blessings sometimes don't seem like blessings. You think you understand what it is all about, but then life surprises you. Oftentimes when I look at the opposite end of the same event I am surprised by what I find. Like today, I was speaking with some people at work about issues that might make you sad. I pointed out how lucky I am to find the bright spot in an otherwise "not so bright" event. These good-intentioned people couldn't help but needle me and poke at me until they found the soreness below the surface and tried to make that my point of focus. The opposite of that event is me choosing my point of focus! I CHOOSE MY THOUGHTS... not people who are doom-say-ers or (what I like to call) awful-izers. I get to pick my point of attraction.

You, too. We all do. We pick where we focus our energy. For me, in the face of difficult situations I like to look at the strength I have to find the best and make it bigger and better. This is just making it easier for me.

I have been through some tough times - I know what they are and I know what they feel like - "not tough times" are better. So in the face of adversity I look for less adversity and make that my focus. Why not? What makes reality so great?

Since when do you "have to face reality"? Ever experience the same event with three different people and discover three different explanations of what happened? Alternate realities occurring at exactly the same time! So I choose to believe it is my point of focus. I pick my reality... even if it is just a few minutes at a time.

This is the blanket I choose to wrap up in tonight. What about you? Looking for a new reality?

Where Your Feet Are - Your Head Should be Also

As I have progressed on this new journey an important factor for me has been to focus on two things... where are my feet and my head should be where my feet are! I participated in a study before, during and after my mastectomy that focused on reducing my anxiety through meditation. I listened to the meditation tape everyday and recorded how much sleep I got, how much water I drank and how I felt in general. In the meditation the speaker told me to be mindful of where my feet were... this will keep you grounded in the reality of your present state... hmmm.... interesting. Now, whenever I feel a wave of "OMG" I look down at my feet and think - this is okay, it's only in my head. Of course I need to put my focus (my head) where my feet are, that will help!

So, when I hear about things going on in the lives of people I love and I am concerned, maybe even a little worried, I look down and remind myself where I am at this exact moment. I put my attention in that room, that place, that feeling, the smells, the clothes I'm wearing, the words I'm hearing, the things I'm seeing. It is then I can experience what is really around me and not the swirling noise in my head. We can all let the voices in our heads lead us down paths that are anxiety ridden, but, lately, I've been thinking about this - THIS is my journey - this is it - there is nothing else - it is what is in my head and what is all around me. These events are my journey. I am in charge. I can create great moments of awe and wonder or angst and fear. It is solely up to me.

Think about it. According to the theory of Quantum Reality all possibilities occur at all times it is where we focus that brings us that reality. If my focus is on my lack - that is my reality - if my focus in on my wealth -  that is my reality. What brought this home for me was listening to someone describe "rich" people. Her description was not much different than many people I know. "Rich people are people that have many cars in their driveway and more than one bathroom in their house. They throw away food because no one will eat it and they have lots of TVs!" This was part of her description. I guess as you more through the continuum of people and their stations in life the answer would be different. So this means there is no "rich" there is only YOUR "rich". In that case you are in charge. You create the "rich"ness of your world.

The same is true for wellness and happiness and all the -ness-es! All of these realities are a perspective based upon your focus. In the quantum field all possibilities exist simultaneously. If you put your focus upon something it becomes real for you. All of us have experienced this, when you are with other people and something happens each of you describes the event completely differently. You can tell me it is because everyone brings their own flavor to the event, but I think it is because in the field of infinite possibilities all the things everyone describes actually occurred it is the point of view of the person that brings certain things into reality and not others.

Pretty cool, when you think about what this means. We can make everything real if we want  - or not! I choose to focus on the wellness, happiness and goodness in the reality around me. That will improve my day and all my days.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Top Ten Favorite Things of the Day

Top Ten Favorite Things of the Day

10. My blanket... I love my blanket.
9. Il cane mangia!
8. Sitting in traffic so I can stay on the phone with a good friend longer.
7. Warming up with the dog on my feet.
6. Finding the last pieces of 82% cocoa.
5. Finding out the coolest, new features on the cool, new software at work.
4. Learning new Italian phrases and planning to visit Capri.
3. Really fun meeting with colleagues.
2. The joy of conversations with old friends working things out and new friends planning new conquests.
...
And the Number 1 best part of today...

1. Listening to my children chatter away with each other at midnight laughing so loudly they woke me up - again.

I love listing off my best things. It forces me to reflect kindly upon my day and sometimes that little bit of perspective is exactly what is needed to relax and unwind.

I love planning good things in the morning, too. Some morning I just sit there and think... ponder... wonder... I used to call it molting. When I would consider the thoughts in my head. I have been adding some stuff (studying Italian for example) to that ritual, but honestly, the pondering helps.

It is awesome to listen to the quiet in the house. My thoughts just sort of tumble, they don't race and I am listlessly winding through the maze of ideas and concepts that rattle around up there. It's fun, really. I should write some of the stuff I think about down - it's good. Well, at least it seems good at the time. Then again, it seemed good at the time to do a lot of things that weren't so good!

When you think about it all of what we do here is just a way of biding time. In some ways life is like a serenade we use to enjoy the ride. Oh-oh... I find myself in that peculiar place... let me share this with you...

When I was sick I couldn't seem to read novels. I would start them and put them down losing interest really easily. What was going on in my body was so huge that trivial novels seemed dumb. So I picked up Stephen Hawking's "The Theory of Everything". I took my bald head out to the yard and starting reading about his theory on black holes. It was fascinating. I rested the book on my chest and looked up at the sky and was overcome. I felt the expanse of life - all of it - at the same time. Too big. The point is that life is meant to happen to us in the short lists - not in the big expanse. God didn't make us EXACTLY like Him - simply in His image. So we can't handle the expanse. Why try? enjoy the short list - enjoy the best moments - don't sweat the little things and if you happen to tell someone something that you shouldn't have... consider why you think that is true.

I stand by my decision ... EVERYTHING has a purpose and it's all good.

The Most Unexpected Gifts are the Best

Did you ever have one of those days where in spite of everything you did things just didn't want to go right? Today was my day. I started my morning with gratitude - I was feeling good, up beat start to my day... did my Italian lesson... practiced, "il bambino beve acqua", "Lui mangia un panino", etc. All is good. Then when I arrive at work I learn there was a screw up at the bank and our paycheck went in and out of our accounts. Weird, but it was being worked on...

As the day progressed all was well, but I kept having this nagging sense something was wrong. My daughter called me at work... nothing, just wanted to say hi... Still that feeling wouldn't go away. I worked late because we are trying to solve a problem with some laptops we have...

Nagging feeling remains... driving home I remind myself - draw upon your remember thoughts. So I being to remember... fun scenes from my children growing up, funny days with my husband, great moments with close friends and family... all of it making me smile... still the nagging feeling.

What is it? I'm worried. Worried about paying bills, my children, my sister, my parents, my aunt, uncle, cousins... damn, worrying is NONSENSE!!! I wasn't accomplishing anything obviously, but I did feel sort of lousy.

When I got home the house was empty. There on the kitchen table was the mail. In our mail was an unexpected gift - a check - couldn't have come at a better time. It was the sweetest, most unexpected gift that filled me up and made me cry. Here I was worrying and despite all my fretting the universe sends me this message... "I am listening, I love you, stop worrying."

It's all in the letting go, I suppose. The sweet gift of love that life provides us is the constant reminder that the universe will unfold as it should. You can hear me saying to people, "Hey, did you wake up the morning, adjust the stars and spin the planet on it's axis? No? Well, then obviously things are being taken care of by someone who doesn't check in with you!"

Today I was gifted with the memory that I don't have to worry about the details of my life. I can simply put it out there and joyously seek relief. I marvel at the gift that is my life. Something new - awareness...
something differently... early to bed! More rest and better days ahead!

Amo Studiare La Lingua Italiana

I started studying Italian today. Last year I bought the Rosetta Stone series to learn Italian - finally after 11 months I figured out how to open the thing! It was so much fun I think I will do this in the morning instead of looking around the room lost for the first 1/2 hour after I wake up...  It was pretty funny to watch me learn. 


I am something of a computer aficionado which means that techno-babble is my second language and I am studying Italian to be my third. 


After setting this thing up on my MacBook  Pro (I have so many computers to mess with at home I chose this one because it is the simplest ...Macs aren't really computers... ever since Gates stopped writing their software they've lost their luster... but, I digress...) I connected and installed the headset and microphone that came with the set. I don't really know what I am doing with a Mac so I did what seemed simplest - let the computer guide the hardware installation.


There I am sitting and practicing "una bambina" I repeat and the computer bell rings - good - next word, "ou" says the program "ou" I repeat... good... "mi" says the program, "mi" I repeat... honk... no good.... "mi" says the program, "mmmmiiii" I repeat... honk... "mi" says the program, "mmmmiiii" I repeat... honk..."mi" says the program, "mmmmiiii" I repeat... honk... this continues for some time... I can't seem to get the sound right. Oh, and I'm not kidding about the time - maybe 5 minutes have passed. My husband entered the room and I said, "Honey, you won't believe it, I can't seem to say "mi (me)"!" Oh, I believe it, he says, I have been listening to it all along. Apparently, the sound was NOT coming through the headset as I believed - but into the room and anyone hanging around was participating in my lesson... I was so embarrassed. Eventually, I figured out how to say "mi" but I did not figure out what is wrong with the headset. That is clearly a big deal :)


So there's a new thing... not the humiliating piece, that I do all the time... no the Italian thing. That should be pretty cool, don't you think? I love learning new things. Speaking of which I went to two bead stores in two days. I think I am on to something else. What a fun hobby! Not in the way that photography is fun... I adore taking pictures... no, but in a therapeutic way. There is something very zen about making jewelry for me and I am thoroughly enjoying it.


It feels like I might be getting back on track and that is a relief - I was feeling very derailed lately. Went to the gym, met my friend - she is a spin instructor and so she and I had a little private class. I love her for doing that - it's awesome! Du bist hamma, Connie! I ate well - stayed with my plan - and of course, played well - hubby and I did Saturday night - date night... went to Toys R Us to scout out Christmas presents (thank God my brother's kids are still young otherwise there would be no toys under my tree) and then, out to dinner, a short walk and of course what date wouldn't be complete without stopping at the store and picking up milk and eggs!


Voila! All is well.


Arriverderci!

Woke up, Fell out of Bed, Dragged a Comb Across My Head

This is how I begin each day lately.

My alarm goes off - I hit snooze... another alarm... another snooze... another alarm... up and at 'em. First thought - I am thankful for this day and for all it might hold for me (learned that prayer when I was in the seminary). With each step I take I say thank you. Thank you for my life, my health, my children, their health, my job, my new bathroom... each step I take I say a little thank you. I turn off all the lights my husband leaves on each night and sit on the couch. For some - you might use this as meditative time. For me - I just sit there. I don't have my hearing aids in so it is very, very quiet. I sit, look around, and ponder each silly thought that pops into my head! I look around the room, but nothing registers. I look at the ceiling, still nothing. Oh, wait a minute... oh, no, that thought just flew by - didn't manifest into anything... hmmm.... looking around again - no thoughts enter my head this time - wonder why I never seamed those two pieces of corner molding... random thoughts... time goes by... before I know it, it's time to shower and start my day.

I'm sure you've done that - sat around so tired you can't think... When I first broached this subject it felt funny and a little bit awkward - but now I think it is kind of formative in reflection. As I think about what happens here in the morning -  I feel a small sense of brava... after all, try holding NO thoughts in your head is a pretty big deal!

The rest of my day becomes much more productive. Actually, I am noticing a bit of shifting going on in my little world. Some people leaving, new people arriving, patterns changing and a new feeling to it all.  I love when it is like this - newness - sometimes it makes me anxious, but, lately, not so much. Instead I feel excited by it. I wonder what is in store for me?

But seriously... I am putting a stop to this morning stuff now. When I wake up I will keep the morning thank you ritual going, after all, thank you prayers are awesome, but I think I will lose the sitting on the couch thing - instead of not thinking anything I am going to put my focus on "things that make me happy."

Seeking Balance

Everyday I consistently try to live my life joyfully. Right now I am in a practice of praying for a friend everyday - several times a day - it is a specific prayer meant to generate healing for my friend.  It is a good process - good for me because I stop worrying about my own issues and I am focused on feeling good about someone I love.

I like this. Today no matter what I am doing, no matter where I am or who I am with, it is my dominant intention to seek my joy in all things.

That's all for today - more tomorrow...

My Cousin Touched My Heart

Family. I'm not talking about husband, kids, dog - I mean extended family - nieces, nephews, cousins, the whole sha-bang! I have plenty of family. What I love most about my family is the connectivity. I want to talk to you about one of my cousins. She lives far from the home where she grew up, but recently travelled home to mom and dad. My cousin has a special talent and that is what I am going to tell you about.

She does so many things to help you re-decorate your home - for me she was going to paint. The secret of this gift is her vision. I am of modest means and my home is a "cozy" place. When she arrived here to help me and paint my walls I really didn't imagine it would bring about anything great change to my life, after all it wasn't my first time. I figured my house would look nice and that would be great. Let me tell you, she is like the house whisperer. After the first day, when I came home and saw her work I actually cried. Sounds silly or made up, but, I assure you it is 100% true. I cried. Why?

Well, I thought about this for a few months now and I think I finally figured it out - I cried because she made my home beautiful. She didn't judge me too harshly for not having the vision to bring about the change - she just guided me there. After she left the changes continued. She was the tipping point to what is now a pretty great looking home. I didn't really like my house, but, she saw the potential for a beautiful house and helped me see it too. This is the kind of gift that is remarkable, memorable and very special.  Touching someone's life - their heart.

You may not realize that you are doing it. You may be just going over to someone's house to paint it. Inadvertently you touch their lives in multiple ways. The rippling effect of human contact is amazing. Someone touches you and you inspire others... slowly there is more good in the world. I remember a quote that went something like this..."If a man goes through life and touches but one life - his life has had meaning."

Be kind, follow your bliss and you will bring joy to those around you and if you don't feel good - don't stress it, just find the next best feeling. Keep moving up the feeling list until you forgot what feeling bad felt like. Remember the e.e. cummings poem, "i carry your heart"

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) 


We can be this for each other. My painter cousin was this for me!

Finally!

I keep starting this entry. I have started it four different times and each time I trash it. Did you ever have something like that? You know, it's so important to you that you can't do it! I started this blog about doing something new and something differently for 100 days (I never said they would be consecutive days). One of the first things I addressed was doing new things. I started doing some cool things as a result of this like morning meditations (sometimes, which is more often than never), and cleaning out my basement. The best side effect of this has been that I seem to be getting things done that I was procrastinating over.

That's used to be my story - I was the person that procrastinated. I kept putting off changing this about myself and now I am a little more focused. Every day - a little more focused. Now my story is more like - I am on a journey. Sometimes I try new things on this journey - sometimes after starting the new things I find another new thing to try. It's not about finishing - it's about journeying. I like to think of it that I am travelling down a road and then I notice a different way to go - it doesn't mean I changed directions - maybe that is my direction! I've said it many times - it's the journey not the destination that counts.

I know that sounds corny, but it is true! So, for something new let it be this - my outlook. Today I had a new outlook. My work day was consistently busy but very productive. I love days like this. It is so great to  move forward all day without feeling overwhelmed. For now - I'm trying to move forward, keeping my promise to myself and growing.

Today was one of those days when you are surprised that it is over. Busily going from one thing to the next - it just makes the day fly by! Attention to so many things at work had my mind working super-fast as we approached one solution after the next. When I have days like this I keep repeating the same anthem in my head - you will never get it done and you will always find more to do!

I firmly believe that we never finish anything because of the inspiration each thing offers. Oh, sure, you will finish a task like painting a room; but the inspiration of that tasks drives you. the completion of one phase of a project drives you to the next. As I reflected on this idea today I realized that this is part of the journey. These tasks... they are like the pebbles in the road. Each one has a purpose, each brings me clarity about what and who  I want to be. Without the complexity of our relationships, our journey is dull and pointless.

Each person adds to the fabric of my life. Each event brings texture and color. I am reminded of a Zen Buddhist Proverb - Before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water.  After enlightenment - chop wood, carry water.  You know, these ideas don't change much about the day to day mechanics of living life - but they may make the process more meaningful - and there is nothing wrong with that!

Something different - Today I didn't allow thoughts to simply enter my head randomly; instead I practiced controlled thinking. I spent the better part of the day focusing my thoughts and making sure that they did not get too random and that they were contributing at all times to my uplifting. Today I was an uplifted thinker!


Something new - thank you. New jewelry (made by me), follow up with the dentist (couldn't be healthier)

3 Steps to the Perfect Day - Think It, Let it Flow - Get Out of the Way

I spoke with a very important person today and she told me about a remarkable experience she had this day. When she went to be the night before she realized that she was wearing herself out trying to control outcomes and behaviors all around her. Of course, when I say it like that you can see how easily that would be exhausting, but, when you are living it you believe you are the conductor of your life and if you put the baton down the music would stop. NOT SO!! If you put the baton down "The Conductor" will take over - the orchestrator of all things great and small, but, I digress. 


So she tells me how she felt so down in the dumps this morning that she was committing her morning to doing whatever made her feel good. Out of that event came a series of unbelievable coincidences that made her feel that "The Conductor" was really listening and sending her messages every step of the way. As she relayed this story it was apparent I was amused. I explained that I love getting reinforcement that it is in letting go, allowing flow, that all things come to us as they should - in the perfect time and in just the right way. Ironically, it is not how you imagine it will be, in most cases you COULDN'T have imagined it this way! That is the gift of allowing.


First you got to have the experience that creates the wanting. That's the annoying, day-to-day life stuff that makes you say - I wish this were different or I want that. Once you put that out there -- the flow is on it's way. The universe is always responding to give us what we are vibrating for in our daily life. If you are in a bad mood when you get up in the morning, it only follows that you can't find your keys. Then, while your looking for your keys, you spill your coffee on yourself, you figure your home so you'll just quickly change when you rip your last pair of pantyhose. Finally, you get out the door, trip on your way to the car and of course there is unimaginable traffic. Every step of the way each of these events reminds you about how miserable you were when you woke up.


OK same morning different approach. You wake up and your in a good mood, a little smiley... you go to get your keys to leave and you realize they are not where you thought they were - ok - good time for a cup of joe - it will come to me - you pour your coffee and then you remember you left the keys on the table. Great! Now you head out the door - thank goodness the morning is going so well that you are a little early. Traffic - awesome - now I can listen to the newest stuff on my iPod... You get the idea. Good begets good and the opposite is true, too.


So, this important person tells me about their awesome day and I am thrilled that she was so fed up that she would "allow" her day to flow to her in positive ways. By the end of today her mood and attitude was exactly the opposite of the day before. 


This is a great "remember thought". Review this day, all the cool coincidences and label them in your head instead of counting sheep tonight. Then the next time you are feeling bad or scared - recall these moments of this day and remind yourself they only come about when you stop trying to make them come about.


That is the final piece of the puzzle - Allowing the Universe to unfold as it should. C'mon, you can do it!


Something new: special meeting at work to bring about "new ideas" (totally great)
Something different: I think this blog is taking on a different flavor - we'll see...

A Conversation with Myself

Creating my life. Some people say that creating their life is something that begins and ends at birth. Not so! Each thought, each passing moment, all of them create your life. So let's accept this premise and see where it takes us.

Everything I do, think, say... all of it "CREATES" my life. 

What does that mean if I am having the best time of my life? 

Simply put - you brought all that joy, love, excitement to yourself. All your thoughts, energy and creative exertion came to that day. 

What of my bad days? Are you telling me when something bad happens to me - it's my fault?

Life is NOT about assessing blame nor is it about gathering praise. Rather, it is about how you experience each event in your life and the direction that event takes you. When you pay attention to your thoughts... when you are considerate of what you are putting in your head, then you am less likely to take a chance with a bad thought. It's like surfing television channels; if you come across a channel showing something that makes you uneasy or unhappy, wouldn't you leap to change the channel? Why allow your ideas and thoughts to be in charge? If you come across an idea or a thought that makes you unhappy or uneasy - change the thought. Imagine stopping on a channel that makes you unhappy and just staying there - experiencing it. Doesn't that seem silly. Wouldn't anyone that saw you watching something that made you sad say to you, "Change the channel!!" So what are you waiting for?

Easier said then done.

Not really, it just takes practice. That is why it is so important to build an arsenal of good thoughts - I call them "remember thoughts". These are the thoughts you rehearse when you feel good so that you can practice them in your head, then when you feel bad - you have some good thoughts at the ready. It may not work right away, but stay with it!

For example, when I was thirteen years old I was sitting in the kitchen of my aunt & uncle's home and I was struck by the fact that the sun was still up at 8 pm. I told myself to remember this moment - what it looks like - who I am with and that the sun was up at 8 pm. Today I can still conjure all those images -because I remember the thoughts. Remember thoughts. The next time you are excited, happy, feeling good - massage that experience, make it last as long as possible, carve it into your brain with all 5 senses if you can, then you will create a "remember thought". You can use this when your train falls off the track so you can get aligned with your happy self.

Keeping yourself positively focused will definitely minimize bad days and bad events and at the very least you will minimized their stay! It all comes down to this - how you feel determines what you experience and your awareness of how you're feeling will increase its intensity. Feel good and experience it more intensely; feel bad and experience that more intensely.

What does this have to do with doing something differently and doing something new?

Nothing. I just needed to remind myself about why I am doing this. Changing it up. Something new, something different - change - allows me to be fresh, be new, have a better feeling thought! That is why I started this whole blog journal. I had no expectation that anyone would read what I wrote; I just wanted to say it - I just wanted to practice my way to feeling better. Knowing me, you know that's true!

Ghoulish Photo Day

October is almost over and for most people that means their focus is off the pink ribbons and on to other colors and causes. I think this should give us pause. What is the significance of the pink ribbon? As you probably know, not every pink ribbon donates to Breast Cancer cures or prevention. The fact that painting the world pink for a month can seem alienating to people who suffer from other types of cancers - that should at least give us pause. All these things aside - I am happy to see the month come to a close. My sister stopped by today and said, "Do you know why these people in town were dressed in pink?" I did it was a "run for breast cancer". I am happy people have a cause they can get behind. I just wish it wasn't pink!

After our pink discussion my sister and I went out shooting pictures. We didn't really have a goal, per se, but we ended up taking Halloween/Autumn pictures. I wanted to add to my collection of Autumn pictures, but instead found myself eerily drawn to ghoulish things. We drove past houses with outrageous stuff on their lawns and I became eerily interested. I am giving you a copy of my most "ordinary" photo. If I have anything salvage-able I will post them. Something different...

Mostly I felt like laying in bed and recovering from the dental work I had done on Friday. I was surprised by how swollen I am and how painful this is to me. I guess the best thing I got from this is I see what I look like with a double chin and it ain't pretty. Ah, sweet motivation as I face the holidays. Must remember this image...must remember this image... cake? Nah, I'm good.

I continue to start each day with an attempt at prayerful meditation. Most days my mind just drifts, but, I think that's good because at least I am sitting still. When my mind starts drifting I remind myself I am focusing on one thing right now and I bring myself back. It helps and I think I am getting better at this process. Each day is a reminder to me that there is no destination and that this journey is in fact, my destination. I don't want to miss anything on my trip. So when worry gets me (money, kids, relationship) I look at my feet. Where are my feet - that's where my mind should be! It helps.

So for my new - today I sat at my family dinner table, I watched what was going on and I said NOTHING. For those of you that know me - that's really NEW.

Paper Cuts Are the Worst?

I watched an HBO special once with Ellen DeGeneris where she said, "Paper cuts are the worst!" You know the one? I laughed so hard thinking, oh yeah, sure, paper cuts ARE the worst. Then, I had oral surgery today - oral surgery IS the worst - no doubt. I look like a squirrel that only hide acorns on the right side of her face. :/ So, I had to ask myself - can this be my new... but nah it doesn't qualify. However, I did plan for this.

I knew that I had to be at work earlier than normal today. Generally I suffer from guilt, not ordinary "Italian Mother" guilt - but, Italian-raised-in-a-Jewish-neighborhood guilt. That is the kind of guilt that makes you responsible to raise the sun and feed the hungry. So when it is my turn to drive my son to school I almost never switch with my husband. Today I had a very early meeting at school and I knew if I dropped my son off and hit any traffic I would be late. So, I pulled a "Dan". Dan, my husband, never feels guilty. He has a sense of himself that is never guilty and always okay with himself. When Dan wants to swap days he simply explains, "I have to be in court in the morning" and we switch. So I said, "I have an early meeting in the morning will you take our son tomorrow". To which he said, "I have to blah, blah, blah, blah...and take him?" Normally this is where the Italian-raised-in-a-Jewish-neighborhood guilt kicks in and I say, never mind. But, today was my day to do something "new" about my guilt and instead I said, "Yeah, I guess so" and left the room without looking back. He took Mike to school.

Initially, I felt badly, like I was neglecting my duties. That was quickly replaced with relief because I had time to finish my makeup, have a cup of coffee and arrive at my meeting on time. Yay, me!!!

When I got home from the dentist I was surprised by the immediacy and magnitude of my discomfort. Normally I forgoe filling the prescription for pain meds since I don't like being medicated - but, today I drove straight to the pharmacy. (different) As soon as I got home I made some soup and took my medicine. I have been compliant since.

So, for today - paper cuts are not the worst and I am not rife with guilt. All in all - a pretty good day.

Smiles all around as I reach for the best feeling thought of the day.

Crafty Night

I got in touch with my creative side tonight and made several pieces of jewelry for the heck of it. It was very relaxing and fun. I find I really like this creative work between the photography, soap making and jewelry - I am turning into a crafty woman. :)  Here are the pieces I made tonight.

I post them here because a few of you have asked to see the work I am doing and I wanted to share.

While I was making these pieces I was thinking about how great it feels to create things. I don't just mean art like jewelry or painting furniture - but create life. As I thought about it - I realized that I create good feelings and bad, I can create good experiences or painful ones. Each of us decides by focusing on our point of attraction how we will perceive any situation. So it is certainly within my ability to view a circumstance as both good and bad simultaneously. There is a theory that says that every possibility exists at the same time and it is your point of focus that brings one event to the forefront and focus of your attention and that event becomes your reality.

As I think about different events in my life and reflect on this concept I realize how true it is... both you and I could be standing at the shoreline. We witness a group of dolphins swim past - I see 4 dolphins jumping in and out of the water - you see two dolphins because your view is blocked by the lifeguards chair... did we experience different events? Cool, right?

I digress. Something differently - oh, that would be that I decided to do weight-lifting at home tonight rather than go to spin class. I love my Wednesday spin, but, when I heard my favorite instructor wasn't going to be teaching - I decided to take it easy tonight and just do floor exercies and weight lifting at home. [Benefit of having a personal trainer for a hustband]

Monday by Central Park with Dad

Pushing forward, trying harder, pull through of these all sound like you need power to get what you want. Pushin against is too active to have any results, mostly when I push against I just get tired. It is easier to "flow with" than "push against".That is not to say that you have to be a wimp, quite the contrary, flowing, allowing, is anything but wimpy. I don't want to take up a war - I just want to reach for and find the best feeling thought I can find.

Jewelry making class was great tonight. I made an adorable necklace. My friends tell me to post pictures. I will take some soon and post my attempts at craftiness. So I suppose my jewelry making is something done differently. Tomorrow is soap making - will it never end!

Something new - well, of course there was my trip to the oncologist today. Nothing new there, unfortunately...I mean unfortunately that I have to go to an oncologist and nothing new in that I am fine.... unremarkable...normal... well maybe not so normal but my physical report was unremarkable. Good enough for me.So, you say, what's new? My dad came with me to the doctors office. He has some of the best NYC parking mojo on the planet. If you are ever in need of a parking guru you should seek him out. So dad volunteered to escort me. I love hanging out with my dad. He has such a sound and logical take on life - it's refreshing. He was the calm in my life for so very long. I was reflecting today what it was like for him the first time we had to deal with my cancer.

We were surprised by the diagnosis since the first doctors didn't seem so sure, when we came to the ones in NYC and they just sort of blurted out, "You have cancer and we need to plan on the best way to care for this." I was immediately sick to my stomach. The doctor sent us to a radiologist to do a series of biopsies (I had three separate tumors). While I was with the radiologist making her cry - sad, but, true... I told her about my children and about how surprised we were, I may have even mentioned that I really didn't want to have cancer... I'm not sure, I just remember she started tearing up and said to me, patients don't usually make me cry. I smile now when I think about her kindness and compassion, but I digress. While I was with her, my mom called my dad and he was in the wating room when I stepped outside. He left work (very big deal) and was waiting. When I came out I remember seeing him and crying, "Oh, Daddy, I have cancer." He was standing there with his arms outstretched and I just fell in them like I was a child. You see, that's how it's always been, if I needed to fall into outstretched arms, my dad could always provide them.

As an aside, my husband and I did NOT believe I had cancer and that is why he was not with me. He had taken off a few days already and needed to go to work. I was just running to the doctor to get a second opinion. We never anticipated this outcome. He has pretty strong arms too, he just wasn't there and this is a daddy story anyway... okay... back to that.

My dad is a mostly serious guy. Witness the night we were playing cards on vacation at 2 in the morning and my dad came down the stairs ready to kill us. My cousin, Vito, picked up a big chair and starting fighting him off like a lion tamer... my dad merely smiled. That was a hysterical scene and he smiled, shook his head and went back to bed.

For all his seriousness though, he has a great sense of humor, a warm and compassionate heart and a good soul. I am lucky to have a dad like him. So my "new" is remembering how much I love my dad and sharing it with you.

Thanks for spending the day with me, Daddy, I love you.

Finishing the List

I've got so much catching up to do. Not that it was a particularly busy weekend, but, I have been down a computer. Imagine that, me - computer-less. Okay, so let's get the ho-hum out of the way... tomorrow I go to the oncologist. You know it doesn't matter how long it's been I still get a little weird before my appointment. No worries, though... never been healthier!

So what has been different and new - how is my journey going? Different... check this out...

My friend John was getting rid of four chairs that were just awful - aged, broken, yucky... My kitchen chairs were breaking one at a time. So I took the chairs, I figured I would just fix them up while I shopped around for a new kitchen set. They came out so beautiful - I am so proud. It is so rewarding to take a piece of furniture and give it new life. To tell you the truth, my kids made such a fuss, I felt really good about it.

Anyway, it is not something I usually do - but it was very therapeutic - hypnotic, really.

Every step of the way, I reviewed how I always plan to do things like this, but, I often forget or just don't follow through. Well, this blog and it's process has really helped me pull through that habit. This weekend I made a list of things I wanted to finish and well, I finished them. Reorganized my closet, swapping out summer clothes with fall/winter clothes; painting and refinishing the chairs, finalizing the clean out of the basement.

What a sense of accomplishment to complete all the things on that list! I am really getting good at this and it's kind of fun, too.

So as the weekend winds down I find myself sitting in front of a rouring fire in my chiminea talking with my kids and relaxing. I love the chiminea, my kids and having completed the list.

Good and Bad

When my son started school I became aware of a "boy" phenomenon. When you ask a boy a question he responds, well, if he responds, it is usually with no more than one word. If you want to know how their day was - you have to ask a very specific, well thought out question. So I started a dinner time game called "Good and Bad". We go around the table and everyone gets a turn to tell one good thing in their day and one bad thing. There was no avoiding that question!

The great thing about Good and Bad is that it has endured and served it's very specific and useful purpose. I found out things that were going on in my children's lives and we would all talk together and try to work things out. My kids love playing Good and Bad it was one of the things I would never do differently.

Tonight we had 8 of us for dinner - we played Good and Bad. My good - that there were 8 of us for dinner; my Bad - that it's not like this more often. I felt so happy that they were all here and wanting to play the game. It was different to have so many here for dinner in the middle of the week - but so wonderful.

I am glad that I made the effort to cook for everyone and to enjoy this meal with my children and their friends. It is important to make these efforts to feel connected to everyone. When I reflect on my day there are quite a few things that I want to list among my "Good". I like to reflect on this list while I'm settling in to go to sleep. I count them down actually - I try to find no less than five each day. When I think of them, I try to relive the moments. I find this helps me relax and makes me smile right before I go to sleep. Not bad. Good.

Rampage of Appreciation

Today was a better day. I slept soundly, I laughed all the way to work despite 90 minute backups to the GWB or maybe because of it. What's up with that anyway? I can't tell you how many times I have driven over that bridge and never saw a mid-span multi vehicle accident, or any kind of accident for that matter. On this day there was an accident requiring an investigation that made all the commuters beg for mercy!


I have a friend who I call when my mojo needs aligning. I can call her and say, "I need to do a rampage of appreciation." She doesn't ask me why or inquire how to do this - she simply begins... This is such a beautiful day, clear, sunny cool, first signs of autumn and she continues until we are both laughing and feeling good. That set the tone for my day. 


It is not different to love hearing good things - it is our basic disposition. As babies we seek to feel good all the time. We rest, eat, play... all day long doing just what our heart desires. This is our natural state. So, when the day gets to you try a rampage of appreciation. Instead of going off about what set you off - go off about what is right. Oh, you WILL start very slowly. Something like this...


Rampage of appreciation. The sun is up. I like the way it looks on the leaves. My coffee smells good while it brews. I love the way that first sip of coffee feels. Ugh... I appreciate my car. Traffic gives me a chance to think. I like to listen to Joni Mitchell on my iPod. I LOVE my iPod... I love my car. I wish the traffic would last all day, I could just sit in the car and listen to Joni... you get the idea.


New. My spin buddy is actually a spin instructor. I have been searching for someone to work out with on Fridays. Guess what? She is going to do a spin class with me on Friday. How great is that?


Another not so new. Oncologist on Monday. I try not to worry about these appointments anymore, but, I still get that creepy feeling in the back of my neck. Oh, but then I remember - everything always works out for me. Even on my worst days - somehow it all works out.


Thank you for sharing my journey...


Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes - How do you measure, measure a life?

Visions from the Heart

I start each day with the best of intentions, don't you. I will eat the right foods, exercise, do well at work, you know the drill, don't you? Sometimes I actually achieve all that - but most days I have to continue working on it. Like today...

I woke up after a vivid nightmare, so detailed and accurate was this dream that I actually had to convince myself it was in my mind. Not the best way to start my day. Thankfully, I worked on a positive point of view and I thought I was fine. I wasn't. Things were increasingly stressful at work, and I thought I was managing it all very well.  I wasn't. I was trying to remain focused on the good in my life, keeping myself grounded, but, I must say that sometimes the impossible stresses of work - the demands of the job - they get to me. Instead of putting my attention on what I wanted - I looked at what was happening. One after another people came into our department and complained about issues that they were having that they wanted us to address - NOW. Instead of keeping my attention positively focused I let the things happening in front of me move my focus away from what I want.

Isn't that why I started this blog in the first place? I wanted to maintain my focus on what I wanted even in the face of overwhelming reality! Today I wasn't able to do it. I allowed the events in front of me to pull me in and I lost it. So the first thing I need to do - readjust my focus.

Whenever I get dissuaded from my goals I start by getting really down on myself. Wrong way to go! This time, I started by forgiving myself and instead focusing on how I can do things differently tomorrow. How will I deal with these people then? What can I say to improve my situation? How will I behave that will achieve a better circumstance?

Tomorrow no matter what I am doing, no matter who I am with or what is happening it is my dominant intention to focus on what I want - focus on my inner reality and make that more important than what I see with my eyes.

There is a line in the book, "The Little Prince" - Here is my secret. It is very simple. It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. Until Today I did not see only with my heart but beginning now I will remind myself everyday about the importance of that special vision.

Homage to George Costanza

Today I choose to be different. I choose to make as many different movements as I can. So instead of following the usual path to work, I picked a new road. If I wanted to scream, I laughed - believe me, that is challenging. Whenever I wanted to resist I went with - when I wanted to allow - I resisted. It was interesting. Reminded me of the Seinfeld episode when George decides to do everything the opposite of what he thinks. Turns out to be the best decision of his life!

I think this is a good experiment because it forces me to be conscious all the time. I was aware of every decision I was making and although I did this very much I did not do it all the time. (I still need to keep my job!)

It was an act of growing patience to work on my jewelry in class today. At first I was failing miserably at the assignment. I kept at it and finally I had a bracelet and earrings. Imagine that!

Different - all my decisions
New - bracelet & earrings

Cool day!

Anomalies or New Conditions - You Decide

Some days just work out perfectly, you know? Since I started this project I have been trying to do a morning meditation and most days I do. Whether I simply pray silently or listen to a self-improvement CD in the car, I always put my attention on this work from the morning. I start my day by stating this intention: "No matter where I am, what I am doing or what I am working on - it is my dominant intention to find the best feeling thought I can and to keep myself focused on an ever-improving feeling."

Today was no exception. Here are some of the highlights...

My husband is a very high energy man. Truthfully, I think he has the energy of a 12 year old! He hates to stay still and is constantly on the move. I love this, especially as I am anemic and have a tendency to want to take things easy because I always feel tired. The weekends are especially challenging for me because I want to hang out with him, but, he never stops and sometimes I need to rest. I woke up very early this morning and was feeling particularly tired. He wanted to "go do something". Normally, I just say yes and follow him around, but now I decided to do it differently (mindful attention to my goal). I explained I was tired and feeling like I needed a break. He suggested I lie down take a short nap and then begin my day. Surprised and just a little bit curious, I did as he suggested. What a difference it made. I was able to finish doing what I wanted and I wasn't ridiculously cranky. Hmm... note to self, husband had good idea - anomaly - watch for more occurrences.

The phone rang and it was my daughter. "Tell daddy I am waiting on Lou Ferrigno! (my husband is a big fan)" The reason I mention this is because the night before my husband and I were looking at a fitness book he owns and he said, "I can't find Lou Ferrigno. I would love to see him." Hmm... note to self, husband says he wants to see Lou and Lou eats at small restaurant in Ridgewood where daughter works - anomaly - watch for more occurrences.

Now for the best... Focusing on the positive all day and just wanting to have a great day was fun, in and of itself. However, these two pieces really made me take note. After shopping with my husband - I could write more but suffice it to say, he came with me to a bead store :) I said, why don't we go get a bite to eat. (This is notable because I don't usually do this - he does - but I was feeling warm toward him after the bead store extravaganza) He turned the car around and we went to our favorite little Italian place. After ordering our appetizers I was looking around and thinking, "I wish we were sitting around the table with friends and laughing and joking around." With that I look in the corner and my mom was sitting in the restaurant - we end up sitting around with my folks laughing and joking over dinner. It was extra nice because it was unexpected.

When we arrive home, my daughter's boyfriend brought over a cast iron chiminea to give us! I always wanted my own fireplace - but this is so much better. We sat staring at the fire, talking and sharing stories, looking at the stars until early morning. This is another perfect memory that I will cherish for tough days.

Hmm.... note to self - awesome days follow awesome thoughts - anomaly - I think not!

Oh! The Places You'll Go

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.


The Boot Sale. I went to the boot sale. Something different, something new... The Macy's Boot Sale. Now each year there are a few important things I do - can't miss events - the Oscars, Nordstrom's Half Yearly Sale, Nordstrom's Shoe Sale and now I have added the Macy's Boot Event. It is not just a sale, it's an EVENT!


Shoes are perfect. They don't care if you eat pizza everyday for lunch - they still fit. No matter how that dress looks on you - if you have a sexy shoe - perfect!  Heels make your legs look great, boots keep you warm, sandals keep you cool, slippers make you comfortable, sneakers make you faster, there is nothing that shoes can't do.

I have a friend who owns about 400 boots (or so it has been reported) about half of the she has shared with her daughter (maybe!). So when I received the flier for the Macy's Boot Event I called her right away. Oh, she tried to be coy about it - but as soon as possible - we were there.


You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

Most of my friends won't come to these events - timid that the wait would be too great. But, it wasn't too busy, just busy enough. While we were there I had a very interesting experience there I want to share with you. We had a very nice woman helping us. In my first attempt I gave her three pairs of shoes, she came back with nothing.

It is a strange thing when you buy shoes. You always expect the salesperson to come back with something from the back - if not the shoe you want, surely the shoe you need.  I searched for my next selections. Once I found them I waited nearby another salesperson stopped and asked if she could help me. "No, someone is helping us," I say, "Although she wasn't able to bring me a single shoe before! Nothing in my size." I explained.

She smiled and called to our sales rep. They left together with my selection and returned with a stack of boxes that would make anyone's heart pump a little faster.

She was not getting a commission from my sale, but, she knew she could help my sales rep. I know this because this time, even though she didn't have the shoe I selected in my size, she brought me similar shoes (many of them) in the right size for me to try on. This is clever and this is not what my salesperson did before.

I was impressed. So, after all our purchases were complete I found that young lady. "Thank you," I said to her, "I saw what you did, thanks." "What?" she asked, "I just helped my friend help you."

She was sincere and natural, this is what you do was the message and it impressed me. I like to witness acts of kindness and this was one of those. You see, I can't have a positive thought every minute of every day, but I try. When I see things like this - I keep them in my heart for later. If I happen to be in the position to see something painful... well, I may not be able to feel positively about what I am seeing, but I can allow my thoughts to drift - knowing, witnessing what I don't want reminds me of what I do want. What is it that I want, you ask? I want more sales people like this woman and I want plenty of boot sales for openers!

I started my day hoping I could make some small dent in a mountain of work. I left work feeling satisfied that we had begun to scratch below the surface on some issues. Content that we had helped some people. I left work with that cool feeling you have when you know you did the right thing??? Which is AWESOME!! Then I went to Macy's and met this extra kind salesperson... more good stuff to save in my workshop for later.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

Thanks, Dr. Seuss.

A Little History, Inspiration and a Rant - Day 12

October is breast cancer awareness month. We are bombarded with pink - thoughtful people that want to attach themselves to a cause try to help by telling me they care. I care. I'm glad they care. It's just all too much fluff for me.

Tonight one of my very thoughtful friends on FB asked me to participate in a little posting game. It was kind of funny and I agreed. Later I was read that someone wrote, "It's stupid and has nothing to do with breast cancer!" Yikes! That is one angry person. As a person living in October - 12 months a year I want to comment. Let this be my something "new".

Having some fun little game to play about something very serious that you are dealing with is sometimes a welcomed relief from the weight of daily dealings. So if you don't have something nice to say... Seriously, I started to think. Breast cancer does not have a serious face. I don't really tell many people about it and I rarely talk in detail about what it was like to go through it. Tonight I will share with you one of my diary entries from March of 2004. I had my mastectomy on March 8, 2004. Out of respect for my process I will not edit this - just raw - the way I typed it. I couldn't write because I had no strength in my right arm. My first surgery (I had two) was eleven hours long and when I came out of it my left leg was temporarily paralyzed I went home with a cane - but in six weeks I was fine.

On Being Home was origianlly written in March, 2004

It never ends! Everyone has a unique take on the three words – “How are you?” Let’s try this How are you?...How are you?...How are you? Get the picture? If I engage in the simple niceties of life like answering the phone – this is how it goes”

“Hello,” I say.

“Hello,” responds the caller, “Lisa?”

“Yes. Who’s calling?”

“It’s (fill in the blank). How are you?”

“Ok. How are you?”

“No, really, how are you?”

Now this is the point where I would really like to drive the idea home that this is unacceptable. Do not ask a question you do not want answered. If you don’t really want to know, don’t ask. I have decided to take all these questions head on…

“Well, the truth is that the surgical site is oozing a little more than we had hoped, and every time I have to fart, it requires an enormous amount of concentration since most of my muscles in my abdominal region are shot. I’m sure it will come back. I take pain medication every four hours and then I continue to make decisions which I cannot remember and am not accountable for to anyone. Sometimes, the medication just makes me ramble and in the middle of a paragraph I forget where I started or why I started.

This is usually met with silence, and then the other person will say some placating thing like, “Well, we’re praying for you.”

“Thank you,” I respond, “I appreciate all the prayers I can get.”

“Take care and remember, call me if you need anything.”

Now this line requires that you know your caller.

The expression ‘call me if you need anything’ doesn’t always mean exactly what it says. Sometimes it means, you can call me, but please don’t expect me to do anything for you. However, sometimes it means, call me and I will come and clean your dirty bathrooms, do your laundry and clean the kitchen for you. It is very important that you know your caller. I have been blessed with some of the former but many of the latter. Thank God!

The phone calls are part of “being home”. They are not the best part, not the worst part they are simply a fact of life. Sadly, the mortgage companies, long distance carriers and telemarketers in general have not heard about my physical condition and they continue to call, but most of my friends and family have been gracious and thoughtful and do not push me on the phone. I must admit I enjoy the conversation with my friends and never hesitate to tell them when it was getting to be too much.

Being home brings with it another joy – my three children. I missed being with them every day and welcomed the opportunity to see them regularly. When I arrived home they met me at the door. Offering to carry my bags and help me to the couch they made up for me. I was a little concerned that they would freak out seeing me walking with a cane, but they were cool. Kids are wonderful. The most important thing is that you are in the room with them. No matter how tattered, torn, worn or miserable you are they would rather have you miserable with them, than miss you one more moment. So my children folded up their tattered and torn mom and covered her in kisses and hugs. I was at once uplifted and exhausted. As I lay back against the pillows on the couch I realize I’m sleepy. Sleep has no regard for the time of day or the amount of people in the room. Now sleep is more important than anything else and it wins every battle. Except if my child comes to my side one more time for another unsolicited kiss or hug.

I found it interesting that the hospital sent me home with four separate prescriptions to fill. Each with a series of rules attached to them like, take one every four hours for pain, take one three times a day with food, or take two twice a day…whatever the rules were…one of them was for my pain medication. I learned early on this was the one to guard with your life. Pain meds must be maintained prior to the pain hitting or you cannot win the battle.

My mom calls my pain meds “goof balls”. I agree. When I am taking them I am so happy because the pain is at bay, but I am really not the person who should be making any plans, decisions or using my mind in any reliable way since it is not reliable. Well then why did they send me home with four prescriptions that require me knowing when I took the pills and when I should take them again. It was all I could do to figure out when I had to go to the bathroom and which muscles to use to make that a successful journey – now. NOW they pick for me to be in charge of narcotics! Are these doctors crazy! Finally, I figured out that my youngest daughter would be in charge of my meds. Therefore, at the tender age of thirteen, she is responsible for keeping an eye on me and my medicine. Oh well it worked.

Nothing much has changed for me, I am still struggling, still in pain, still sleeping – I’m just not in the hospital anymore. The people around me don’t know anymore about how to care for me than I do and we are all on this journey together without an experienced guide. What a hoot!

Food seems to be very important to the people around me. Everyone is bringing food to my house, or cooking for me or asking me what I want to eat. I would wake up early, when my mom arrived to drive my girls to school; my husband will bring my son to his school at around 8 am. With all this bustling around me it is hard to stay asleep. My daughters kiss me goodbye as they head out for school and I can see in their faces they are pleased that I am here. Michael, my son, has no worries about getting to school on time and turns on the TV, pulls down the covers next to me and crawls in so we can watch Spongebob Squarepants together.

“Gee, but it’s great to be back home,
Home is where I want to be…”

For my different I will say this - it is very different for me not to censor myself on this topic. I am willing to share this because Joelle told me today that she found my blog moving and she inspired me. Thanks.