3 Steps to the Perfect Day - Think It, Let it Flow - Get Out of the Way

I spoke with a very important person today and she told me about a remarkable experience she had this day. When she went to be the night before she realized that she was wearing herself out trying to control outcomes and behaviors all around her. Of course, when I say it like that you can see how easily that would be exhausting, but, when you are living it you believe you are the conductor of your life and if you put the baton down the music would stop. NOT SO!! If you put the baton down "The Conductor" will take over - the orchestrator of all things great and small, but, I digress. 


So she tells me how she felt so down in the dumps this morning that she was committing her morning to doing whatever made her feel good. Out of that event came a series of unbelievable coincidences that made her feel that "The Conductor" was really listening and sending her messages every step of the way. As she relayed this story it was apparent I was amused. I explained that I love getting reinforcement that it is in letting go, allowing flow, that all things come to us as they should - in the perfect time and in just the right way. Ironically, it is not how you imagine it will be, in most cases you COULDN'T have imagined it this way! That is the gift of allowing.


First you got to have the experience that creates the wanting. That's the annoying, day-to-day life stuff that makes you say - I wish this were different or I want that. Once you put that out there -- the flow is on it's way. The universe is always responding to give us what we are vibrating for in our daily life. If you are in a bad mood when you get up in the morning, it only follows that you can't find your keys. Then, while your looking for your keys, you spill your coffee on yourself, you figure your home so you'll just quickly change when you rip your last pair of pantyhose. Finally, you get out the door, trip on your way to the car and of course there is unimaginable traffic. Every step of the way each of these events reminds you about how miserable you were when you woke up.


OK same morning different approach. You wake up and your in a good mood, a little smiley... you go to get your keys to leave and you realize they are not where you thought they were - ok - good time for a cup of joe - it will come to me - you pour your coffee and then you remember you left the keys on the table. Great! Now you head out the door - thank goodness the morning is going so well that you are a little early. Traffic - awesome - now I can listen to the newest stuff on my iPod... You get the idea. Good begets good and the opposite is true, too.


So, this important person tells me about their awesome day and I am thrilled that she was so fed up that she would "allow" her day to flow to her in positive ways. By the end of today her mood and attitude was exactly the opposite of the day before. 


This is a great "remember thought". Review this day, all the cool coincidences and label them in your head instead of counting sheep tonight. Then the next time you are feeling bad or scared - recall these moments of this day and remind yourself they only come about when you stop trying to make them come about.


That is the final piece of the puzzle - Allowing the Universe to unfold as it should. C'mon, you can do it!


Something new: special meeting at work to bring about "new ideas" (totally great)
Something different: I think this blog is taking on a different flavor - we'll see...

A Conversation with Myself

Creating my life. Some people say that creating their life is something that begins and ends at birth. Not so! Each thought, each passing moment, all of them create your life. So let's accept this premise and see where it takes us.

Everything I do, think, say... all of it "CREATES" my life. 

What does that mean if I am having the best time of my life? 

Simply put - you brought all that joy, love, excitement to yourself. All your thoughts, energy and creative exertion came to that day. 

What of my bad days? Are you telling me when something bad happens to me - it's my fault?

Life is NOT about assessing blame nor is it about gathering praise. Rather, it is about how you experience each event in your life and the direction that event takes you. When you pay attention to your thoughts... when you are considerate of what you are putting in your head, then you am less likely to take a chance with a bad thought. It's like surfing television channels; if you come across a channel showing something that makes you uneasy or unhappy, wouldn't you leap to change the channel? Why allow your ideas and thoughts to be in charge? If you come across an idea or a thought that makes you unhappy or uneasy - change the thought. Imagine stopping on a channel that makes you unhappy and just staying there - experiencing it. Doesn't that seem silly. Wouldn't anyone that saw you watching something that made you sad say to you, "Change the channel!!" So what are you waiting for?

Easier said then done.

Not really, it just takes practice. That is why it is so important to build an arsenal of good thoughts - I call them "remember thoughts". These are the thoughts you rehearse when you feel good so that you can practice them in your head, then when you feel bad - you have some good thoughts at the ready. It may not work right away, but stay with it!

For example, when I was thirteen years old I was sitting in the kitchen of my aunt & uncle's home and I was struck by the fact that the sun was still up at 8 pm. I told myself to remember this moment - what it looks like - who I am with and that the sun was up at 8 pm. Today I can still conjure all those images -because I remember the thoughts. Remember thoughts. The next time you are excited, happy, feeling good - massage that experience, make it last as long as possible, carve it into your brain with all 5 senses if you can, then you will create a "remember thought". You can use this when your train falls off the track so you can get aligned with your happy self.

Keeping yourself positively focused will definitely minimize bad days and bad events and at the very least you will minimized their stay! It all comes down to this - how you feel determines what you experience and your awareness of how you're feeling will increase its intensity. Feel good and experience it more intensely; feel bad and experience that more intensely.

What does this have to do with doing something differently and doing something new?

Nothing. I just needed to remind myself about why I am doing this. Changing it up. Something new, something different - change - allows me to be fresh, be new, have a better feeling thought! That is why I started this whole blog journal. I had no expectation that anyone would read what I wrote; I just wanted to say it - I just wanted to practice my way to feeling better. Knowing me, you know that's true!

Ghoulish Photo Day

October is almost over and for most people that means their focus is off the pink ribbons and on to other colors and causes. I think this should give us pause. What is the significance of the pink ribbon? As you probably know, not every pink ribbon donates to Breast Cancer cures or prevention. The fact that painting the world pink for a month can seem alienating to people who suffer from other types of cancers - that should at least give us pause. All these things aside - I am happy to see the month come to a close. My sister stopped by today and said, "Do you know why these people in town were dressed in pink?" I did it was a "run for breast cancer". I am happy people have a cause they can get behind. I just wish it wasn't pink!

After our pink discussion my sister and I went out shooting pictures. We didn't really have a goal, per se, but we ended up taking Halloween/Autumn pictures. I wanted to add to my collection of Autumn pictures, but instead found myself eerily drawn to ghoulish things. We drove past houses with outrageous stuff on their lawns and I became eerily interested. I am giving you a copy of my most "ordinary" photo. If I have anything salvage-able I will post them. Something different...

Mostly I felt like laying in bed and recovering from the dental work I had done on Friday. I was surprised by how swollen I am and how painful this is to me. I guess the best thing I got from this is I see what I look like with a double chin and it ain't pretty. Ah, sweet motivation as I face the holidays. Must remember this image...must remember this image... cake? Nah, I'm good.

I continue to start each day with an attempt at prayerful meditation. Most days my mind just drifts, but, I think that's good because at least I am sitting still. When my mind starts drifting I remind myself I am focusing on one thing right now and I bring myself back. It helps and I think I am getting better at this process. Each day is a reminder to me that there is no destination and that this journey is in fact, my destination. I don't want to miss anything on my trip. So when worry gets me (money, kids, relationship) I look at my feet. Where are my feet - that's where my mind should be! It helps.

So for my new - today I sat at my family dinner table, I watched what was going on and I said NOTHING. For those of you that know me - that's really NEW.

Paper Cuts Are the Worst?

I watched an HBO special once with Ellen DeGeneris where she said, "Paper cuts are the worst!" You know the one? I laughed so hard thinking, oh yeah, sure, paper cuts ARE the worst. Then, I had oral surgery today - oral surgery IS the worst - no doubt. I look like a squirrel that only hide acorns on the right side of her face. :/ So, I had to ask myself - can this be my new... but nah it doesn't qualify. However, I did plan for this.

I knew that I had to be at work earlier than normal today. Generally I suffer from guilt, not ordinary "Italian Mother" guilt - but, Italian-raised-in-a-Jewish-neighborhood guilt. That is the kind of guilt that makes you responsible to raise the sun and feed the hungry. So when it is my turn to drive my son to school I almost never switch with my husband. Today I had a very early meeting at school and I knew if I dropped my son off and hit any traffic I would be late. So, I pulled a "Dan". Dan, my husband, never feels guilty. He has a sense of himself that is never guilty and always okay with himself. When Dan wants to swap days he simply explains, "I have to be in court in the morning" and we switch. So I said, "I have an early meeting in the morning will you take our son tomorrow". To which he said, "I have to blah, blah, blah, blah...and take him?" Normally this is where the Italian-raised-in-a-Jewish-neighborhood guilt kicks in and I say, never mind. But, today was my day to do something "new" about my guilt and instead I said, "Yeah, I guess so" and left the room without looking back. He took Mike to school.

Initially, I felt badly, like I was neglecting my duties. That was quickly replaced with relief because I had time to finish my makeup, have a cup of coffee and arrive at my meeting on time. Yay, me!!!

When I got home from the dentist I was surprised by the immediacy and magnitude of my discomfort. Normally I forgoe filling the prescription for pain meds since I don't like being medicated - but, today I drove straight to the pharmacy. (different) As soon as I got home I made some soup and took my medicine. I have been compliant since.

So, for today - paper cuts are not the worst and I am not rife with guilt. All in all - a pretty good day.

Smiles all around as I reach for the best feeling thought of the day.

Crafty Night

I got in touch with my creative side tonight and made several pieces of jewelry for the heck of it. It was very relaxing and fun. I find I really like this creative work between the photography, soap making and jewelry - I am turning into a crafty woman. :)  Here are the pieces I made tonight.

I post them here because a few of you have asked to see the work I am doing and I wanted to share.

While I was making these pieces I was thinking about how great it feels to create things. I don't just mean art like jewelry or painting furniture - but create life. As I thought about it - I realized that I create good feelings and bad, I can create good experiences or painful ones. Each of us decides by focusing on our point of attraction how we will perceive any situation. So it is certainly within my ability to view a circumstance as both good and bad simultaneously. There is a theory that says that every possibility exists at the same time and it is your point of focus that brings one event to the forefront and focus of your attention and that event becomes your reality.

As I think about different events in my life and reflect on this concept I realize how true it is... both you and I could be standing at the shoreline. We witness a group of dolphins swim past - I see 4 dolphins jumping in and out of the water - you see two dolphins because your view is blocked by the lifeguards chair... did we experience different events? Cool, right?

I digress. Something differently - oh, that would be that I decided to do weight-lifting at home tonight rather than go to spin class. I love my Wednesday spin, but, when I heard my favorite instructor wasn't going to be teaching - I decided to take it easy tonight and just do floor exercies and weight lifting at home. [Benefit of having a personal trainer for a hustband]

Monday by Central Park with Dad

Pushing forward, trying harder, pull through of these all sound like you need power to get what you want. Pushin against is too active to have any results, mostly when I push against I just get tired. It is easier to "flow with" than "push against".That is not to say that you have to be a wimp, quite the contrary, flowing, allowing, is anything but wimpy. I don't want to take up a war - I just want to reach for and find the best feeling thought I can find.

Jewelry making class was great tonight. I made an adorable necklace. My friends tell me to post pictures. I will take some soon and post my attempts at craftiness. So I suppose my jewelry making is something done differently. Tomorrow is soap making - will it never end!

Something new - well, of course there was my trip to the oncologist today. Nothing new there, unfortunately...I mean unfortunately that I have to go to an oncologist and nothing new in that I am fine.... unremarkable...normal... well maybe not so normal but my physical report was unremarkable. Good enough for me.So, you say, what's new? My dad came with me to the doctors office. He has some of the best NYC parking mojo on the planet. If you are ever in need of a parking guru you should seek him out. So dad volunteered to escort me. I love hanging out with my dad. He has such a sound and logical take on life - it's refreshing. He was the calm in my life for so very long. I was reflecting today what it was like for him the first time we had to deal with my cancer.

We were surprised by the diagnosis since the first doctors didn't seem so sure, when we came to the ones in NYC and they just sort of blurted out, "You have cancer and we need to plan on the best way to care for this." I was immediately sick to my stomach. The doctor sent us to a radiologist to do a series of biopsies (I had three separate tumors). While I was with the radiologist making her cry - sad, but, true... I told her about my children and about how surprised we were, I may have even mentioned that I really didn't want to have cancer... I'm not sure, I just remember she started tearing up and said to me, patients don't usually make me cry. I smile now when I think about her kindness and compassion, but I digress. While I was with her, my mom called my dad and he was in the wating room when I stepped outside. He left work (very big deal) and was waiting. When I came out I remember seeing him and crying, "Oh, Daddy, I have cancer." He was standing there with his arms outstretched and I just fell in them like I was a child. You see, that's how it's always been, if I needed to fall into outstretched arms, my dad could always provide them.

As an aside, my husband and I did NOT believe I had cancer and that is why he was not with me. He had taken off a few days already and needed to go to work. I was just running to the doctor to get a second opinion. We never anticipated this outcome. He has pretty strong arms too, he just wasn't there and this is a daddy story anyway... okay... back to that.

My dad is a mostly serious guy. Witness the night we were playing cards on vacation at 2 in the morning and my dad came down the stairs ready to kill us. My cousin, Vito, picked up a big chair and starting fighting him off like a lion tamer... my dad merely smiled. That was a hysterical scene and he smiled, shook his head and went back to bed.

For all his seriousness though, he has a great sense of humor, a warm and compassionate heart and a good soul. I am lucky to have a dad like him. So my "new" is remembering how much I love my dad and sharing it with you.

Thanks for spending the day with me, Daddy, I love you.

Finishing the List

I've got so much catching up to do. Not that it was a particularly busy weekend, but, I have been down a computer. Imagine that, me - computer-less. Okay, so let's get the ho-hum out of the way... tomorrow I go to the oncologist. You know it doesn't matter how long it's been I still get a little weird before my appointment. No worries, though... never been healthier!

So what has been different and new - how is my journey going? Different... check this out...

My friend John was getting rid of four chairs that were just awful - aged, broken, yucky... My kitchen chairs were breaking one at a time. So I took the chairs, I figured I would just fix them up while I shopped around for a new kitchen set. They came out so beautiful - I am so proud. It is so rewarding to take a piece of furniture and give it new life. To tell you the truth, my kids made such a fuss, I felt really good about it.

Anyway, it is not something I usually do - but it was very therapeutic - hypnotic, really.

Every step of the way, I reviewed how I always plan to do things like this, but, I often forget or just don't follow through. Well, this blog and it's process has really helped me pull through that habit. This weekend I made a list of things I wanted to finish and well, I finished them. Reorganized my closet, swapping out summer clothes with fall/winter clothes; painting and refinishing the chairs, finalizing the clean out of the basement.

What a sense of accomplishment to complete all the things on that list! I am really getting good at this and it's kind of fun, too.

So as the weekend winds down I find myself sitting in front of a rouring fire in my chiminea talking with my kids and relaxing. I love the chiminea, my kids and having completed the list.

Good and Bad

When my son started school I became aware of a "boy" phenomenon. When you ask a boy a question he responds, well, if he responds, it is usually with no more than one word. If you want to know how their day was - you have to ask a very specific, well thought out question. So I started a dinner time game called "Good and Bad". We go around the table and everyone gets a turn to tell one good thing in their day and one bad thing. There was no avoiding that question!

The great thing about Good and Bad is that it has endured and served it's very specific and useful purpose. I found out things that were going on in my children's lives and we would all talk together and try to work things out. My kids love playing Good and Bad it was one of the things I would never do differently.

Tonight we had 8 of us for dinner - we played Good and Bad. My good - that there were 8 of us for dinner; my Bad - that it's not like this more often. I felt so happy that they were all here and wanting to play the game. It was different to have so many here for dinner in the middle of the week - but so wonderful.

I am glad that I made the effort to cook for everyone and to enjoy this meal with my children and their friends. It is important to make these efforts to feel connected to everyone. When I reflect on my day there are quite a few things that I want to list among my "Good". I like to reflect on this list while I'm settling in to go to sleep. I count them down actually - I try to find no less than five each day. When I think of them, I try to relive the moments. I find this helps me relax and makes me smile right before I go to sleep. Not bad. Good.

Rampage of Appreciation

Today was a better day. I slept soundly, I laughed all the way to work despite 90 minute backups to the GWB or maybe because of it. What's up with that anyway? I can't tell you how many times I have driven over that bridge and never saw a mid-span multi vehicle accident, or any kind of accident for that matter. On this day there was an accident requiring an investigation that made all the commuters beg for mercy!


I have a friend who I call when my mojo needs aligning. I can call her and say, "I need to do a rampage of appreciation." She doesn't ask me why or inquire how to do this - she simply begins... This is such a beautiful day, clear, sunny cool, first signs of autumn and she continues until we are both laughing and feeling good. That set the tone for my day. 


It is not different to love hearing good things - it is our basic disposition. As babies we seek to feel good all the time. We rest, eat, play... all day long doing just what our heart desires. This is our natural state. So, when the day gets to you try a rampage of appreciation. Instead of going off about what set you off - go off about what is right. Oh, you WILL start very slowly. Something like this...


Rampage of appreciation. The sun is up. I like the way it looks on the leaves. My coffee smells good while it brews. I love the way that first sip of coffee feels. Ugh... I appreciate my car. Traffic gives me a chance to think. I like to listen to Joni Mitchell on my iPod. I LOVE my iPod... I love my car. I wish the traffic would last all day, I could just sit in the car and listen to Joni... you get the idea.


New. My spin buddy is actually a spin instructor. I have been searching for someone to work out with on Fridays. Guess what? She is going to do a spin class with me on Friday. How great is that?


Another not so new. Oncologist on Monday. I try not to worry about these appointments anymore, but, I still get that creepy feeling in the back of my neck. Oh, but then I remember - everything always works out for me. Even on my worst days - somehow it all works out.


Thank you for sharing my journey...


Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes - How do you measure, measure a life?

Visions from the Heart

I start each day with the best of intentions, don't you. I will eat the right foods, exercise, do well at work, you know the drill, don't you? Sometimes I actually achieve all that - but most days I have to continue working on it. Like today...

I woke up after a vivid nightmare, so detailed and accurate was this dream that I actually had to convince myself it was in my mind. Not the best way to start my day. Thankfully, I worked on a positive point of view and I thought I was fine. I wasn't. Things were increasingly stressful at work, and I thought I was managing it all very well.  I wasn't. I was trying to remain focused on the good in my life, keeping myself grounded, but, I must say that sometimes the impossible stresses of work - the demands of the job - they get to me. Instead of putting my attention on what I wanted - I looked at what was happening. One after another people came into our department and complained about issues that they were having that they wanted us to address - NOW. Instead of keeping my attention positively focused I let the things happening in front of me move my focus away from what I want.

Isn't that why I started this blog in the first place? I wanted to maintain my focus on what I wanted even in the face of overwhelming reality! Today I wasn't able to do it. I allowed the events in front of me to pull me in and I lost it. So the first thing I need to do - readjust my focus.

Whenever I get dissuaded from my goals I start by getting really down on myself. Wrong way to go! This time, I started by forgiving myself and instead focusing on how I can do things differently tomorrow. How will I deal with these people then? What can I say to improve my situation? How will I behave that will achieve a better circumstance?

Tomorrow no matter what I am doing, no matter who I am with or what is happening it is my dominant intention to focus on what I want - focus on my inner reality and make that more important than what I see with my eyes.

There is a line in the book, "The Little Prince" - Here is my secret. It is very simple. It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. Until Today I did not see only with my heart but beginning now I will remind myself everyday about the importance of that special vision.

Homage to George Costanza

Today I choose to be different. I choose to make as many different movements as I can. So instead of following the usual path to work, I picked a new road. If I wanted to scream, I laughed - believe me, that is challenging. Whenever I wanted to resist I went with - when I wanted to allow - I resisted. It was interesting. Reminded me of the Seinfeld episode when George decides to do everything the opposite of what he thinks. Turns out to be the best decision of his life!

I think this is a good experiment because it forces me to be conscious all the time. I was aware of every decision I was making and although I did this very much I did not do it all the time. (I still need to keep my job!)

It was an act of growing patience to work on my jewelry in class today. At first I was failing miserably at the assignment. I kept at it and finally I had a bracelet and earrings. Imagine that!

Different - all my decisions
New - bracelet & earrings

Cool day!

Anomalies or New Conditions - You Decide

Some days just work out perfectly, you know? Since I started this project I have been trying to do a morning meditation and most days I do. Whether I simply pray silently or listen to a self-improvement CD in the car, I always put my attention on this work from the morning. I start my day by stating this intention: "No matter where I am, what I am doing or what I am working on - it is my dominant intention to find the best feeling thought I can and to keep myself focused on an ever-improving feeling."

Today was no exception. Here are some of the highlights...

My husband is a very high energy man. Truthfully, I think he has the energy of a 12 year old! He hates to stay still and is constantly on the move. I love this, especially as I am anemic and have a tendency to want to take things easy because I always feel tired. The weekends are especially challenging for me because I want to hang out with him, but, he never stops and sometimes I need to rest. I woke up very early this morning and was feeling particularly tired. He wanted to "go do something". Normally, I just say yes and follow him around, but now I decided to do it differently (mindful attention to my goal). I explained I was tired and feeling like I needed a break. He suggested I lie down take a short nap and then begin my day. Surprised and just a little bit curious, I did as he suggested. What a difference it made. I was able to finish doing what I wanted and I wasn't ridiculously cranky. Hmm... note to self, husband had good idea - anomaly - watch for more occurrences.

The phone rang and it was my daughter. "Tell daddy I am waiting on Lou Ferrigno! (my husband is a big fan)" The reason I mention this is because the night before my husband and I were looking at a fitness book he owns and he said, "I can't find Lou Ferrigno. I would love to see him." Hmm... note to self, husband says he wants to see Lou and Lou eats at small restaurant in Ridgewood where daughter works - anomaly - watch for more occurrences.

Now for the best... Focusing on the positive all day and just wanting to have a great day was fun, in and of itself. However, these two pieces really made me take note. After shopping with my husband - I could write more but suffice it to say, he came with me to a bead store :) I said, why don't we go get a bite to eat. (This is notable because I don't usually do this - he does - but I was feeling warm toward him after the bead store extravaganza) He turned the car around and we went to our favorite little Italian place. After ordering our appetizers I was looking around and thinking, "I wish we were sitting around the table with friends and laughing and joking around." With that I look in the corner and my mom was sitting in the restaurant - we end up sitting around with my folks laughing and joking over dinner. It was extra nice because it was unexpected.

When we arrive home, my daughter's boyfriend brought over a cast iron chiminea to give us! I always wanted my own fireplace - but this is so much better. We sat staring at the fire, talking and sharing stories, looking at the stars until early morning. This is another perfect memory that I will cherish for tough days.

Hmm.... note to self - awesome days follow awesome thoughts - anomaly - I think not!

Oh! The Places You'll Go

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.


The Boot Sale. I went to the boot sale. Something different, something new... The Macy's Boot Sale. Now each year there are a few important things I do - can't miss events - the Oscars, Nordstrom's Half Yearly Sale, Nordstrom's Shoe Sale and now I have added the Macy's Boot Event. It is not just a sale, it's an EVENT!


Shoes are perfect. They don't care if you eat pizza everyday for lunch - they still fit. No matter how that dress looks on you - if you have a sexy shoe - perfect!  Heels make your legs look great, boots keep you warm, sandals keep you cool, slippers make you comfortable, sneakers make you faster, there is nothing that shoes can't do.

I have a friend who owns about 400 boots (or so it has been reported) about half of the she has shared with her daughter (maybe!). So when I received the flier for the Macy's Boot Event I called her right away. Oh, she tried to be coy about it - but as soon as possible - we were there.


You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

Most of my friends won't come to these events - timid that the wait would be too great. But, it wasn't too busy, just busy enough. While we were there I had a very interesting experience there I want to share with you. We had a very nice woman helping us. In my first attempt I gave her three pairs of shoes, she came back with nothing.

It is a strange thing when you buy shoes. You always expect the salesperson to come back with something from the back - if not the shoe you want, surely the shoe you need.  I searched for my next selections. Once I found them I waited nearby another salesperson stopped and asked if she could help me. "No, someone is helping us," I say, "Although she wasn't able to bring me a single shoe before! Nothing in my size." I explained.

She smiled and called to our sales rep. They left together with my selection and returned with a stack of boxes that would make anyone's heart pump a little faster.

She was not getting a commission from my sale, but, she knew she could help my sales rep. I know this because this time, even though she didn't have the shoe I selected in my size, she brought me similar shoes (many of them) in the right size for me to try on. This is clever and this is not what my salesperson did before.

I was impressed. So, after all our purchases were complete I found that young lady. "Thank you," I said to her, "I saw what you did, thanks." "What?" she asked, "I just helped my friend help you."

She was sincere and natural, this is what you do was the message and it impressed me. I like to witness acts of kindness and this was one of those. You see, I can't have a positive thought every minute of every day, but I try. When I see things like this - I keep them in my heart for later. If I happen to be in the position to see something painful... well, I may not be able to feel positively about what I am seeing, but I can allow my thoughts to drift - knowing, witnessing what I don't want reminds me of what I do want. What is it that I want, you ask? I want more sales people like this woman and I want plenty of boot sales for openers!

I started my day hoping I could make some small dent in a mountain of work. I left work feeling satisfied that we had begun to scratch below the surface on some issues. Content that we had helped some people. I left work with that cool feeling you have when you know you did the right thing??? Which is AWESOME!! Then I went to Macy's and met this extra kind salesperson... more good stuff to save in my workshop for later.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

Thanks, Dr. Seuss.

A Little History, Inspiration and a Rant - Day 12

October is breast cancer awareness month. We are bombarded with pink - thoughtful people that want to attach themselves to a cause try to help by telling me they care. I care. I'm glad they care. It's just all too much fluff for me.

Tonight one of my very thoughtful friends on FB asked me to participate in a little posting game. It was kind of funny and I agreed. Later I was read that someone wrote, "It's stupid and has nothing to do with breast cancer!" Yikes! That is one angry person. As a person living in October - 12 months a year I want to comment. Let this be my something "new".

Having some fun little game to play about something very serious that you are dealing with is sometimes a welcomed relief from the weight of daily dealings. So if you don't have something nice to say... Seriously, I started to think. Breast cancer does not have a serious face. I don't really tell many people about it and I rarely talk in detail about what it was like to go through it. Tonight I will share with you one of my diary entries from March of 2004. I had my mastectomy on March 8, 2004. Out of respect for my process I will not edit this - just raw - the way I typed it. I couldn't write because I had no strength in my right arm. My first surgery (I had two) was eleven hours long and when I came out of it my left leg was temporarily paralyzed I went home with a cane - but in six weeks I was fine.

On Being Home was origianlly written in March, 2004

It never ends! Everyone has a unique take on the three words – “How are you?” Let’s try this How are you?...How are you?...How are you? Get the picture? If I engage in the simple niceties of life like answering the phone – this is how it goes”

“Hello,” I say.

“Hello,” responds the caller, “Lisa?”

“Yes. Who’s calling?”

“It’s (fill in the blank). How are you?”

“Ok. How are you?”

“No, really, how are you?”

Now this is the point where I would really like to drive the idea home that this is unacceptable. Do not ask a question you do not want answered. If you don’t really want to know, don’t ask. I have decided to take all these questions head on…

“Well, the truth is that the surgical site is oozing a little more than we had hoped, and every time I have to fart, it requires an enormous amount of concentration since most of my muscles in my abdominal region are shot. I’m sure it will come back. I take pain medication every four hours and then I continue to make decisions which I cannot remember and am not accountable for to anyone. Sometimes, the medication just makes me ramble and in the middle of a paragraph I forget where I started or why I started.

This is usually met with silence, and then the other person will say some placating thing like, “Well, we’re praying for you.”

“Thank you,” I respond, “I appreciate all the prayers I can get.”

“Take care and remember, call me if you need anything.”

Now this line requires that you know your caller.

The expression ‘call me if you need anything’ doesn’t always mean exactly what it says. Sometimes it means, you can call me, but please don’t expect me to do anything for you. However, sometimes it means, call me and I will come and clean your dirty bathrooms, do your laundry and clean the kitchen for you. It is very important that you know your caller. I have been blessed with some of the former but many of the latter. Thank God!

The phone calls are part of “being home”. They are not the best part, not the worst part they are simply a fact of life. Sadly, the mortgage companies, long distance carriers and telemarketers in general have not heard about my physical condition and they continue to call, but most of my friends and family have been gracious and thoughtful and do not push me on the phone. I must admit I enjoy the conversation with my friends and never hesitate to tell them when it was getting to be too much.

Being home brings with it another joy – my three children. I missed being with them every day and welcomed the opportunity to see them regularly. When I arrived home they met me at the door. Offering to carry my bags and help me to the couch they made up for me. I was a little concerned that they would freak out seeing me walking with a cane, but they were cool. Kids are wonderful. The most important thing is that you are in the room with them. No matter how tattered, torn, worn or miserable you are they would rather have you miserable with them, than miss you one more moment. So my children folded up their tattered and torn mom and covered her in kisses and hugs. I was at once uplifted and exhausted. As I lay back against the pillows on the couch I realize I’m sleepy. Sleep has no regard for the time of day or the amount of people in the room. Now sleep is more important than anything else and it wins every battle. Except if my child comes to my side one more time for another unsolicited kiss or hug.

I found it interesting that the hospital sent me home with four separate prescriptions to fill. Each with a series of rules attached to them like, take one every four hours for pain, take one three times a day with food, or take two twice a day…whatever the rules were…one of them was for my pain medication. I learned early on this was the one to guard with your life. Pain meds must be maintained prior to the pain hitting or you cannot win the battle.

My mom calls my pain meds “goof balls”. I agree. When I am taking them I am so happy because the pain is at bay, but I am really not the person who should be making any plans, decisions or using my mind in any reliable way since it is not reliable. Well then why did they send me home with four prescriptions that require me knowing when I took the pills and when I should take them again. It was all I could do to figure out when I had to go to the bathroom and which muscles to use to make that a successful journey – now. NOW they pick for me to be in charge of narcotics! Are these doctors crazy! Finally, I figured out that my youngest daughter would be in charge of my meds. Therefore, at the tender age of thirteen, she is responsible for keeping an eye on me and my medicine. Oh well it worked.

Nothing much has changed for me, I am still struggling, still in pain, still sleeping – I’m just not in the hospital anymore. The people around me don’t know anymore about how to care for me than I do and we are all on this journey together without an experienced guide. What a hoot!

Food seems to be very important to the people around me. Everyone is bringing food to my house, or cooking for me or asking me what I want to eat. I would wake up early, when my mom arrived to drive my girls to school; my husband will bring my son to his school at around 8 am. With all this bustling around me it is hard to stay asleep. My daughters kiss me goodbye as they head out for school and I can see in their faces they are pleased that I am here. Michael, my son, has no worries about getting to school on time and turns on the TV, pulls down the covers next to me and crawls in so we can watch Spongebob Squarepants together.

“Gee, but it’s great to be back home,
Home is where I want to be…”

For my different I will say this - it is very different for me not to censor myself on this topic. I am willing to share this because Joelle told me today that she found my blog moving and she inspired me. Thanks.

Changing my Mind - Increasing my Joy

When I came home from the gym tonight my daughter told me a story about a minor car accident she had earlier. She was obviously okay and started by telling me she had a small car accident with relatively minor damage. As she told the story I jumped in and said something about how much we already pay in car insurance.

I know, I know, you are thinking, "What did you say?" OK In my defense I was tired and injured, but, still... My daughter, who never minces words said, "I thought you would tell me about how we are all on a path and only good things will come of this, not talk to me about insurance. I'm shocked!" Shocked doesn't really describe how I felt when she said that to me. At first I was confused, yeah, why did I say that? Then I realized I was not really in tune with my higher self. Instead I was focused on the pain in my foot and the hunger in my belly. Distractions, ugh! Immediately I apologized, corrected myself and reached for a better feeling thought about all this. You know it is very important to always keep a positive thought.

So now as I reflect on this experience before going to sleep I realize that I started my day this way, too. When I go to work in the morning I spend that time with someone who is on the same journey. Sometimes I help her find her way, sometimes she helps me. Today she guided me. In the morning we discussed the importance of reaching for a better feeling thought all the time. Our disposition makes our point of view.

Have you ever asked friends who witness something with you what they saw? How often is it that everyone is in agreement? Frequently, there are minor differences about what we saw or better said, what we think we saw. That is because so many things are going on at the same time. We are thinking about other things - maybe positive - maybe not - but, these other thoughts will color our experience and they become our point of reference.

Now take that a step further - you are always holding a good thought (as long as you are aware) - everything you experience you will experience from that point of reference. It isn't always easy to feel that way. I didn't always do that - heck, I didn't do that tonight! The point is to have the awareness... that is what is different. Being aware that I am on the wrong track and switching it up right away.

So many beautiful, minor things happen in each day, I don't want to miss them. Singing a "Happy Birthday" song to a marching dinosaur in the middle of a business meeting, laughing about soundproofing paper, or just the sense of accomplishment that comes when you finish your spin class despite that pain in your foot. All of these things make up my point of view today and all of them really happened.

In the middle of a meeting at work today someone took at a small stuffed dinosaur that walks and sings  "Happy Birthday" we watched in giddy amusement as the dinosaur approached a coworker and we all sang "Happy Birthday".

I requested some soundproofing for a very loud speaker in my office and the maintenance people came down and put a piece of paper over the speaker!

I love my Wednesday night SPIN class. I have great friends in that class whom I have come to love and appreciate and the instructor is one of my favorite instructors. I injured my foot while spinning, but I love to be there so much I just lightened up my load and finished the class.

All of these things brought me joy, all of these things were in my mind when my daughter told me her story. I changed my mind. I focused on my fear rather than on my joy.

Well, I decided to change my mind again. Focusing on a better feeling thought and makings amends to my daughter - I feel all in all my day was successful.

I chose a different path when I saw I was going down a bad one and I have a new sense of accomplishment because of it!

Day 10 Waiting to Exhale

When I learned to juggle I found it difficult to learn how to get the third ball in the rotation. It required concentration and rhythm. I remember bouncing at the knees and rocking my arms up and down as I struggled to keep all the balls in the air. My friend, a Franciscan priest, taught me in a effort to help me learn how to meditate. This type of active concentration makes passive meditation simpler.

I am no juggling master - heck, I still struggle to get it right - but I am grateful I learned the skill because sometimes life is a juggling act! Today was one of those days. In order to do something differently... today I exhaled (often). I find that when things cluster together when they go wrong it is best to - exhale.

When I stopped to discuss problems with a colleague... we ended up swapping stories about our European vacations (well, her vacation my vague memories of an all too brief trip to Italy). Exhale.

When all sorts of issues started rearing their heads on our network - I thought I would scream and my daughter called to tell me she had a dream that she wanted to share with me... Exhale.

I went to my Pilates class tonight and I was struggling to hold the pose. At the most difficult moment the instructor came and supported me... Exhale.

After working late I couldn't wait to get home and make dinner - there were so many dishes in the sink from so many teenagers with such busy schedules. I decided to skip the big dinner and have something simple and light (no cooking required)... Exhale.

Reflection, meditation, mindfulness all call us to concentrate and become aware of our breathing, first. Living mindfully doesn't mean that we try to live every moment to the fullest, in fact that is too chaotic to be mindful. If you insist on being mindful and living each moment fully you will eliminate any confusion or chaos. When I focus on the bits that make up my life I am not overwhelmed by the whole and I am in awe of how marvelously all the pieces come together.

Have you ever had the experience of reflecting on a series of events when you find yourself saying, "that's why that happened, or, I get it that had to happen so this would happen..." That manifestation of events is your witness that the universe tends to unfold as it should. 

So when doing something differently, I tried exhaling and reminding myself that the universe can take care of itself. 

I am sure you are saying - so what is the something new? My new was this swapping stories about Italy with my new friend, listening to my daughter tell me the details of her strange dream, and holding the pose longer than before in Pilates without giving up. Exhale.

Day 9 Perfect Memories

There is nothing for me to tell you that could be simpler than this... when you have a great day - memorize it! Good feelings can be recorded in your brain and then when you are feeling a little off - just this side of ornery - call up this memory and play it in your head. I promise you will smile.

I have a few of those memories. I called upon my favorite today while things were increasing in intensity at work... true story.... My son was eight years old when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I did my best to tell him as honestly as I could what was going on without scaring him or telling him too much. No one brought him to the hospital to visit me and by the fourth day he was getting pretty anxious. He called me up on the phone. "Mommy, daddy can't bring me to the hospital tonight because he has a meeting. Can you help me find a ride?" I carefully explained through my morphine fog that he didn't need to visit, but he insisted, "I promised." I acquiesced and promised to call a friend. I promptly fell asleep. He called back and I told him not to worry about it and went back to sleep. A little time had passed when he came bounding into the hospital room and leaped onto the bed. I looked up and saw my friend who told me two hours ago that she had to take her son to hockey practice and couldn't bring him to the hospital. When I looked at her she said, "He called me up crying because he didn't want to break his promise to you." I looked at him, brushed my hand through his hair and never forgot that moment.

This is one of my favorite memories - my hand, in his hair, on that day. Some things should never be different and you can't predict how they will be at all. Those good memories are as perfect as they are unpredictable. I love recording them and this is NOT something I would ever do differently.

I laughed and laughed tonight at my Jewelry Making Class. (something new) I went with two friends that really make me laugh from a deep place and it was magnificent. New memories - 

So tonight as I put together my review and look at the positive aspects of my day - I am smiling from ear to ear. Thank you for all the wonderful people, places and events of my life.

Day 7 & 8 It is My Perogative to Change My Mind

Interesting. That is the way I would describe my efforts over the past two days. As I embark on this new definition, I find myself being drawn deeper into the process. I started out thinking about a little game to play that would be my something new while helping me improve my photo skills. At each stop light on my errands I would take a photo. So, as I drove my son to his school - photos on every corner - some interesting... most useless, but, it was a fun process.

The next day as I did the same thing, my son asked if he could take some pictures. Later when I went to look back over the work we did I was very impressed with his sense of composition and the ease with which he approached this game. Suddenly I saw the message... I believe that people, circumstance and events come together to design my journey to meet my demands... therefore, Mike's photo prowess taught me to see the world through his eyes. Simple, fun-loving, joyous Michael taught me to relax when I take pictures and let the images come to the camera. Very Zen.  :)

Recently as I listened to someone explain life to me I heard - you must get your self-image cleaned up so that you can trust your judgment. Your view is skewed if your image is mess up. I contemplated this for a while and I think it makes sense. My self-image is so messed up from years of imaging myself as overweight. Well, not just overweight - fat! I am not going to explain or quantify this in any way since my image is messed up - I am just going to say that I think I may need to adjust my thinking.

Witness this:  None of my clothes actually fit my body. They fit over my body, they drape my body, but clothing doesn't cling to me in any way, shape or form. This is because I want to hide my body. I am working on changing that through meditation and reminders, but I think it will take some time. I am practicing Dr. Joe's stuff and still working on the changes. It is wild how my body fights the desire for change in my head. It is for this reason I can see myself working out at the gym - see my body and be impressed even pleased - but, still buy clothes that are too big and unflattering. I must work on the changes all the time to bring about significant change. This is an unrelenting process, but one that I take on willingly.

To change my ideas and to change my mind.

Day 6 - Fire Together, Wire Together

Today  I had a revelation - thinking differently is important, too. Changing my perceptions is as important as changing my actions. In fact, some would say they are equally as important. I have completed Dr. Joe Dispenza's Level I, "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself". One of the most important things I walked away from that seminar with was that the habit of being me requires serious work to change. "Wire together, Fire together"... Things that I always do always want to be done together. Therefore, in order to bring about real change I can't simply do something differently I have to remind myself that I am doing it differently, I have to remind my body that I am doing it differently, too.

Some memories are lodged in your head, but some remain in your body so you can tell yourself you don't want to eat pie anymore, but if you smell pie or are just in "pie vicinity" your body will crave it and you might find yourself eating it before you remember you don't want to eat any more pie. The body and the mind are always working together and teaching them to work together differently requires dedicated mindfulness and attention.

It is no longer my mission to do something differently every day, but instead I am designing a different me every day. Yesterday, for example, I found myself feeling sad. Although it has been six years since I was diagnosed with cancer recently this subject has been awakened in me again. Interestingly, I find myself sometimes feeling inextricably sad. I have searched my heart only to find that having someone close to me going through this painful process has brought up some of my own sadness about cancer. I can't avoid feeling compassion and empathy, but I can work on having these feelings come up and controlling the outcome. I don't have to be surprised by my feelings. I can focus my attention where I want it to be and tune my frequency to a better vibration.

Recently, I was listening to someone describe being aware of your thinking. She said, you wouldn't sit in a room watching a television channel you don't want to watch. You wouldn't say, "Well, this was on when I got here and so, I just have to watch it." You would change the channel - so change your thinking. I equate this with mindfulness. This awareness of my thinking is my mindfulness.

For today my new and my different are the same. I am thinking about different in a new way.